所有我想給你的和不想給你的

 

 

妹妹在香港，有餘暇翻舊照

看見這些，說我兒時的表情，現在都印到了明明的臉上

其實我並不十分喜歡別人說明明像我

除了她長得比我可愛一百倍之外

大概是因為只有自己才知道自己有多麼的不濟

有時我也會自負地覺得我們給明明創造了相當優越的成長環境

三種不同的語言

（也就是得加倍努力學語言）

小小年紀便穿越大洲大洋見識了截然不同的文化環境和人際相處方式

（也就是家人星散如棋，團聚和離別永遠相隨）

但許多時候，例如某個突然的轉眼瞬間，在她臉上看見了自己的表情時

我會感到心虛害怕

到底我身上這麼多的缺點是否都已移植到了你的身上？

是因為那神秘的血緣在你我的身上佈置了某種特定的情感結構？

是因為你在我肚子裏住的那九個月給了你某種到達我心靈深處的密碼？

有時候明明能異常準確地感受到我某些很細微的情緒

然後我會在她身上影影綽綽看到相似的反應

例如某種人在他鄉的飄泊感及由此產生的不自信，疏離和寂寞

小孩子都喜歡熱鬧，但小孩的熱鬧生活取決於父母會否交朋友

（我們現在恰巧住在天堂般的綠林公社，明明不缺玩伴，但一旦搬離。。。）

在美國和人搭訕依然是件無比艰巨的事

（其實在香港也不善於）

有時候我看到明明想和其它小朋友玩，但又不敢大方地加入，

在旁邊徘徊，踟躕不前，最後和媽媽落寞離去

杜安川說明明膽小

其實那也不是真膽小

（起碼在關鍵時刻她不，如回答老師問題，上台表演時）

而是在人際關係中的一種不自信

不敢開口問別人：我可以和你一起玩嗎？

是因為沒有理所當然的認為別人肯定會接受自己，因為害怕別人說不

而我私下以為，這是因為她在她媽媽身上

感覺到了這種迟疑和不自信

又例如我的性急和易怒

其實我是個和善的人，但我的心不柔軟

而吊詭的是，明明是這個世界上我最愛的人

但我最凶最生氣的樣子

可能也只有她見識過

我的生氣，可能只要一秒鐘，就忍不住了

我沒真打她，但會緊緊地抓住她肩膀

從她被吓到的表情，我知道自己大概眼神凶狠

昨天剛回家，明明急著要吃剛買的橄欖

打開蓋子她一大盒橄欖連泡著的油撒了一地

我沒馬上生氣，心想著這下沒得吃了，這可是個教訓，卻速不達

沒想到我叫她收拾，她見我不生氣，居然扔起橄欖來

我想都沒想就一巴掌打在她屁股上

明明生氣跑進婆婆的房間，並開始挖戰壕找東西堵門

我在外面，有點被自己的脾氣吓到

說句賴皮的話，我的性急像我媽

我對著明明生氣的時候有時會閃回我媽生我們氣的樣子

但今天明明對一起玩的小朋友突然生氣

我看見了我昨天臉上的表情

那忽如其來的情緒轉變，那圧不住的怒

我心虛极了

我會在你身上印刻下多少我自己挣扎一生的缺點呢？

比如我的懶散，對自己的不負責任，對人生的缺乏計劃

這三個詞大概就能非常準確地描述我如何在這博士學位上浪擲十年

讓明明學小提琴，最想她學會的就是紀律

每天練琴的紀律

我一生沒學會的功課

我從小就是那種最後一刻才開始寫作业的孩子

現在還是

我特別希望明明別學我這樣

因為我知道，我偶爾的勤奮都是環境逼的

但別人的是一種持之以恒的能力

一種管理時間，管自己的能力

我呢，言傳一套，身教一套

每天早上起不來（晚上睡太晚）

出門趕到裙拉褲甩

我會沮喪自己是個如此不濟的母親

但第二天還那樣

明明，你一定要有比媽媽更多的敏銳，聰慧，和決心

早早看清媽媽給你的東西，那些你可以繼承，哪些你必須撇棄

kids in the pool

Halloween 2013

Ming Ming in her mulan costume

with some commune parents and friends

we are a big gang!

 

best halloween decoration!

a bit rainy, but with beautiful leaves

 

 

 

 

best costume we have seen: a butterfly tree

 

best pumpkin carvings!

 

commune dinner at the sipos!

 

 

two halloween concerts

Halloween activities started early this year. A Suzuki Halloween concert scheduled this Saturday meant that I need to get Ming Ming's costumes ready a few days earlier. As to her costume choice, Ming Ming had been hesitating between that of a black cat, Mulan, and an American Indian. The commune kids had been planning to dress up as an American Indian tribe for Halloween since this summer, the parents, after some contemplation, finally decided that it would be politically incorrect. At the end I decided that I wanted to make a Mulan costume. Two evening at the sewing machine and here it is: Mulan's soldier uniform (看起來有點像個財主) with a belt, a hat marked with Mulan's family name "Hua" in Chinese, and a pair of shin guards. (well, I totally forgot about the weapon, but she has a violin here).
As all the materials are from the discount textile store ($2 per lb) and it is just a costume, I don't care if I sewed it wrong. It was actually quite enjoyable when I could be so carefree. Maybe I will continue to sew her costumes in the years to come. 

Ming Ming and her friend 

scary Oscar

in the beginning there were a lot of excitement. so many kids in costume made up quite a spectacular scene...

Oscar's turn

The halloween concert was a nice idea but did not quite work out. There were a lot of excitement before the concert and all the energy kind of died when the concert started. There were way too many performers (all the students!!), way too long (2 hrs!), and the beginners' piano recitals just did not work in this context (unlike the string instruments, piano recitals are all individual performances). 

a hall full of enthusiastic families and friends... and then ...
Antoine was bored to death, most of our friends fled... 

finally it was Ming Ming's turn. It was wise that they kept violin recitals at the end of the program, otherwise half of the hall would be empty by then.

in between Ming Ming's performance, I, with other parents, also played the most basic suzuki piece. I am glad that I don't have a record of it. As I stopped way before the others thinking that it was the end already while the other kept going on. 

dressed up again for an evening halloween concert "Dance of the Dead" by the university of Chicago symphony orchestra.
Lots of homemade costumes this year: Liz made Nourit's owl costume, and Anne made Lily's green fairy costume

mandel hall

you can't see it but some of the performers were very elaborately dressed.
The concert began with a"dance of the dead"... co-produced with the hyde park school of dance (Ming Ming's ballet school). Just as Anne and I were wondering if this lady in red leather jacket was a teacher at the dance school (she came in dancing as a half-dead Mick Jagger), she climbed up the stage and turned out to be the conductor!!

an enjoyable show! all the kids enjoyed it. 

recollection of a busy weekend

A get-together dinner on Saturday night with Paola, Jacob, Xiao Tie, Xu Peng, and the Bohnenkims. We celebrated Xu Peng's dissertation defense and Xiao Tie's visit. An enjoyable evening with lots of singing, from Paola's "Bella Ciao", Xiao Tie's Luo Dayou song, and Max's Chinese pop songs and soulful hobo lullaby... got videos, but need to ask for consent to publicize and a working computer to edit. (These are specially for you Anup, we miss you dearly!)

Sunday morning at the Field museum 

 

 

Sunday evening: commune kids (in front of the TV waiting for a video)

 

 

 

Sunday evening: the commune men
(actually they were trying on a leather jacket brought over by Jessica to decide who fit best in it. Winner of the jacket: Keven Ruby!)

Twinkle graduation

After a bit more than two quarters, Ming Ming has graduated from her Twinkle variations. Twinkle variation is a set of six variations played to the twinkle theme. Ming Ming is the first among her cohort to graduate. She will move to the book 1 group lesson starting next week.

Following Suzuki tradition, Ming Ming played through the twinkle variations at the end of her last group class with the twinkle group. The graduation was then followed by cupcakes and juices.

a picture with her private lesson teacher Hilary.

Apple picking 2013

This is our third year picking apples with the Greenwood Commune, most of our core members are here:

I actually like this one better, but it does not have Keven and me (the designated group picture photographer)

 

the Lacroix family pic

the commune kids

a nice pic of Helen and Hugo

Last year was disastrous for apple orchards, early spring followed by frost in May and drought in summer resulted in very few apples. In contrast, this is a year of abundance...
The commune families happily obliged and picked lots of apples. At the end of the day, the Rubys and Lacroixs both ended up with more than 80lbs of apples. I only picked about 30 lbs, and as of today when I am writing this down (two weeks after), we have no more apples left. We had the most delicious apple sauce for two weeks and now they are... all gone... SHOULD HAVE PICKED MORE!!

bonus materials: kids rolling down the hill like apples